The Top Ten Best Tools for Improving Relationships at Home AND Work

by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE

based on The Parents Toolshop:
The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family

 I am a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator who has been training parents for over 25 years. As a second-generation parent educator, however, I’ve been involved with parenting classes for almost 40 years, because my parents taught classes while I was growing up. (Read my bio. for more info.)

Because I had such a head start, I spent the first 10 years of my career collecting and compiling the parenting skills that research has proven to be effective long-term. In the process, I discovered, developed and tested a system for responding effectively to any parenting challenge. I call it the “Universal Blueprint® Formula for Parenting Success.”

I use the analogy that building a relationship is like building a house. You need certain groups of tools, which The Parents Toolshop organizes by the type of skill it is and calls them toolsets. The Universal Blueprint® System shows you how to look at any situation and in seconds know which tool is the best to choose for any situation, so you can custom-design an effective response to any parenting or relationship challenge. (Read Chapter 1 for an overview of the Universal Blueprint® and it organizes the tools.

As I taught my system to parents, I was surprised at how many parents commented on the success they had using the system and its skills to improve their adult relationships, including those at work, in their marriage, and with friends and relatives.

After tracking the success of the “Universal Blueprint® Formula for Parenting Success” for 10 years, the statistical outcome results showed 99.87% of the parents who completed Parents Toolshop® classes improved their skills, so I started tracking how many parents also used the skills in their adult relationships. An astounding 92% said they used the same system and skills they learned in the parenting class to improve their adult relationships. So now I regularly incorporate in my parent training series the uses of the skills in adult relationships.

So here are the Top Ten Best Tools for improving both home and work relationships. As I describe them, I’ll include links to free articles on this website where you can get more information about each skill.

1.     Have a Balanced Parenting Style. The foundation of our relationships is our “style,” which reflects our personality and beliefs. Our style then determines the skills we choose to use in our relationships. Problems arise when someone tries to build a relationship on an imbalanced style (or foundation). This might work in the short-run, but because there is an underlying imbalance, it creates more problems in the long-run. If we consciously choose a balanced style and response, we can better achieve our goals, which improves our relationships with our children and other adults. Take a quiz to find out what your style is. Then get tips for improving teamwork with your parenting partners.

2.     Know Whose Problem It Is. There are 3 Questions to ask and 5 Steps to take to respond effectively to ANY relationship problem — at home or work. Question #1 is: Is it my problem or the other person’s problem? In general, whomever has the problem is responsible for finding the solution. If the problem involves Safety, Health, Appropriateness, Rights, Property, Rules and Values (SHARP RV), it’s a Parent problem. If the problem involves Peers, Emotions, Siblings or School (PESS), it is a Child problem. Others can guide or assist the person with the problem but should not be solely responsible for finding the solution or putting it in action. (To learn all 3 questions and 5 steps, click here.)

3.     Boost Self-esteem with Descriptive Encouragement, not Praise. The best tool for boosting self-esteem is descriptive encouragement, not praise. So instead of saying “Good job!” describe what made it good. There are almost 30 tools in this toolset, including tools for preventing sibling competition and rivalry. By using all the tools, you can increase the confidence and internal motivation of both adults and children. Children become immune to the power of negative peer pressure. Both children and adults will give peak performance without being “praise junkies” who need constant approval.

4.     Get Cooperation Instead of Demanding Obedience. The best tool for getting more cooperation at home and work is to offer choices within limits. By using this and the other tools in this toolset, you get cooperation the first time you ask and prevent or stop power struggles. You can also motivate children and employees without bribes, incentives, stickers or rewards.

5.     Build Independence so Children Soar and Employees Don’t Fly the Coop.  The best tool for fostering more independence & responsibility in children and team members is to teach them skills and let them find their own way for accomplishing the goal. There are also 14 other tools in this toolset and special topics like using allowances effectively and how to help children develop characteristics like being respectful and skills like not procrastinating. By using these tools, at home and work, you can let go and know the job will get done — with quality results. Your children will become responsible, independent, self-sufficient adults. You’ll also get better performance & retention from your work team.

6.     Cultivate Creative Conflict Resolution Skills. The best tool for empowering others to develop good decision-making, problem-solving and conflict resolution skills is a process I call F-A-X Listening. The last step of that 3-step process is to X-amine possible options, using brainstorming, to find a win/win solution to the problem. By using all three steps of F-A-X Listening with your children, work team or in any relationship, you avoid mis-communications, dramatic emotional performances and resolve problems quicker. When you use these tools, your children and co-workers learn how to resolve their own problems — responsibly. In the Communication Toolset, you also get Ten Tools for communicating your concerns assertively, without blame or shame, so others will hear you out without getting defensive.

7.     Tame the Fire of Anger & Stress — Before You Get Burned. If you want to reduce your stress and anger, the most important concept to understand is that your thoughts create your emotions, not other people or events. There are actually only 3 tools in this toolset, but by using them in different combinations, you can create individualized anger & stress management plans that will work for you and your children. When you use these tools, you can reduce your daily stress level and boost your resilience at work and at home.  I actually have an 8-week series that teaches you how to eliminate stress and anger, but in The Parents Toolshop book you’ll get the basics you need to get started.

8.     Understand and Redirect “PU” Misbehavior Before You Get “PO’d.” The most important question to ask yourself, when a child or adult is misbehaving, is “Why?” This will help you figure out if they haven’t a clue or are deliberately being difficult. If they are clueless, you can increase their awareness and suggest an acceptable alternative. If they are being deliberately difficult, you need to figure out what they are trying to accomplish in a negative way and suggest a more positive way to accomplish that goal. There are 5 reasons people might unintentionally misbehave and 4 reasons people are deliberately difficult. The Parents Toolshop tells you how to answer a few questions that will lead you to the most effective response to every kind of misbehavior. This is critical, because if you react to any kind of misbehavior, it will either escalate the problem or give the behavior a payoff, which will make it continue. Read more in articles about: Temper Tantrums, Biting, Bedtime hassles, Demanding children and Picky Eaters.

9.     Take the Bite out of Discipline! The best kind of discipline is self-discipline; and the best tool for teaching self-discipline is to hold people accountable for the outcomes of their decisions and actions. Punishment usually leads to resentment and rebellion, which can create new disciplinary problems. By using respectful discipline, instead of punishment, people learn from their mistakes and make better choices in the future. This eliminates the need for future discipline. There are 10 different options you have when a situation calls for disciplinary action and 4 rules you must follow each time, so you don’t accidentally misuse these effective tools (time-outs, for example). The Parents Toolshop explains them all.

10.   Hold Effective Team and Family Meetings: To build a strong family or work team, you must empower each member with the skills they need to be self-motivated, good communicators, and creative problem solvers.  The best tool for doing this is to hold engaging, productive family councils and team meetings. The tools you use come from all the other toolsets, but there are a dozen ways family and team meetings can go sour, so The Parents Toolshop book offers basic rules for holding constructive meetings. Then your family or work team can reach consensus decisions and prevent or resolve conflicts at home or work.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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