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December Disciple for Naughty Children

As a parenting expert to the media, I usually do extra media interviews during the holidays. Usually the topics focus on the extra stress of hectic holiday schedules or my “Taming the Holiday Gimmees” article. This year, I've been getting some thought-provoking questions about holiday parenting issues.

One question relates to whether lying to children about Santa is an "okay lie." For that answer, read my article and free report on "Why Kids Lie and How To Encourage Truthfulness."

Another question comes from a reporter at the Fresno Bee: During the holidays, parents can get their child to behave by saying "you better be good or Santa won't bring you toys!" It usually works, but the holidays are the only time they can use it. What do you think about that approach?

My answer: “This is a prime example of a universal parenting principle: ‘Just because a parenting tactic works, it doesn’t mean you should use it’!”

The reporter seemed taken aback, which isn’t unusual. The idea of not using quick fixes causes quite a few parents to pause and ask “why not”? For some, “whether something works…now” is the only criteria they use to decide which tactic to use.

The Problem

If we take this idea to the extreme, we can see just how flawed this kind of thinking is: For example, “If I tape my child’s mouth shut with duct tape, I can make him be quiet.” Well, yes, that might work, but it’s also disrespectful to the child, overly harsh and even borderline abusive!

The Research

Many common parenting practices fall into this category of “quick fixes that work in the short run but have a high risk factor of bringing on negative long-term problems”? Bribes, rewards, threats, smacking, slapping, and spanking are a few examples. 

These six common parenting practices have all been conclusively proven to be counter-productive by long-term research. There are two main preeminent decades-long researchers in these areas:

• Alfie Kohn's research focuses on behavior modification techniques like bribes, rewards and sticker charts. (Read my article about using behavior modification techniques and opt-in for my free report on how to get kids to cooperate without bribes, rewards or stickers.)

• Murray Strauss' research focuses on corporal punishment techniques and child abuse. (Read my articles on these issues.)

While the first (behavior modification techniques) have been consistently proven to be counterproductive long-term, research findings about corporal punishment are less conclusive. There is no proof they are always harmful, yet there is also no proof they are consistently helpful, either. The only thing all the researchers can agree on is that there is a risk of parents misusing corporal punishment and it is ineffective long-term. (This is why most parents stop using corporal punishment by their children’s teen years.)

Your Choice

So parents have a choice to make --- a choice that presents itself almost daily: Do I use a parenting tactic that will work the fastest, even if it is disrespectful or there is some risk of it backfiring later? Or do I invest some thought and effort into learning, choosing and using an approach that is respectful, works in the short run, and gets more effective long-term results?

In one of my 937-513moms.com articles, Advice About Parenting Advice, I define the difference between “Reactive” and “Proactive” parents. Generally speaking, Reactive parents are more likely to do whatever comes to mind first or that “works” immediately. Proactive parents take the time to learn the most effective approaches (there are dozens), then choose from those options, trusting they will get even better long-term results.

We can run “The Santa Threat” and many other parenting approaches through the same decision-making filter: “Is this a less effective thing to do, just to get a quick fix or is it the more effective thing to do, to get better long-term results?”

Using this filter, we see “The Santa Threat” is just a quick fix. It might work at that moment --- or for about six weeks at the most --- but it is manipulative and would be cruel to follow through with it. So parents are better off to resist this holiday temptation and use whatever discipline they normally would use in a similar situation.

My Suggestion

So what could a parent do? Instead of repeating yourself or counting to three, use a 1-2-3 approach in which each step serves a particular purpose:

1. In one short sentence, acknowledge the child’s feelings and give a reason or benefit statement so the child internalizes the value of the rule or request. For example, “I know you are probably bored from all this shopping, but if we get everything now we can avoid more trips later.” If this doesn’t stop the misbehavior, go to Step 2.

2. Describe the behavior you want to see that will account for the cause of the misbehavior.  For example, “We can finish faster if you help me. Here, see if you can help me find the item in this advertisement.” If this doesn’t stop the misbehavior, go to Step 3.

3. Reveal the discipline for continued misbehavior. Start this sentence with "If you choose to continue (name the misbehavior), then (finish the sentence with one of these options): :

   1. The natural consequence: “It will take us longer to get out of the store and both of us will feel more stressed and unhappy while we are shopping.”

   2. Possible logical consequences: “We’ll need to come back another time to finish.” Or “We’ll need to skip the more fun stops in our trip, like taking a break at the food court.”

4. If the misbehavior continues, follow through with the discipline you revealed.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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