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Picky, Picky, Picky; What to Do?

If veggies turn your child’s face green, try this plan for raising "salad bar" children. It really works!

First, understand what’s going on. Everyone has food preferences and being "picky" can be a personality trait. In this case, being "picky" isn’t really deliberate. When parents react to picky eaters by giving them special service, being picky can be a deliberate manipulation strategy. These mealtime battles are not about hunger. If parents cater to their children’s whims, the children feel important and enjoy the attention they receive. Eating — or not eating — is also a way children can feel in control.

Then, avoid three big no-no’s. Do not fix special meals. Make mealtime conversation pleasant by not criticizing or nagging children about their eating habits. Do not use food or dessert as a reward or incentive to eat.

Many mealtime battles are preventable. Before meals, Involve children in gardening to spark interest in eating healthy foods. Children will often take a greater interest in eating what they have helped prepare, so let children help with meal planning and preparation. If children are too young to cook on the stove or cut with knives, let them stir, pour, or wash veggies. Make foods child-friendly. This could be as simple as calling cauliflower "snow trees" or as elaborate as making faces out of different fruit shapes. Also, plan to have one favorite food available, in addition to new or less favored foods.

At the table, let the child pick some foods to serve themselves. Maintain a few basic bottom-line limits: eating nutritious foods before sweets, allowing a reasonable but limited time to eat, and trying foods before rejecting them. Within these bottom line limits, allow children to choose how much they eat, when they eat, and if they eat.

Encourage children to take a little of everything. These are "no thank-you helpings." Children’s stomachs are about the size of their fists, so allow small portions. They can always have more. Appetites vary greatly during and between growth spurts. Focus on well-balanced weeks, not days; nutrition rather than timing or amount.

If children still complain and resist, remain firm to your bottom-line limits. Acknowledge children’s feelings, set limits, and red irect the behavior. You could say any of the following:

Even if you do all this, children can be persistent. Avoid getting into a power struggle. Instead, simply tell children what you are willing to do and the outcomes of the choices they have. Here are a couple of options and examples:

• Make it clear that there will be no more food until the next meal. Snacks are only allowed for those who eat healthy meals. If children refuse to eat, allow them to experience the natural effect of hunger.
• Decide if slow eaters are simply taking their time (which is healthy) or are getting distracted. Allow children a reasonable amount of time (no longer than an hour) if they concentrate on eating. Once the reasonable, tangible time limit is up, put away the food. Do all these in a matter-of-fact, friendly way. If parents become abusive and domineering about food, eating disorders can develop.
• If a child chooses a food and then changes his mind and no longer wants it, the parent has every right to refuse to be a short-order cook! At this point the child has several choices:

• He can eat what the parent fixed.

• The child can eat something different if he fixes it himself and cleans up his mess. (Most two- or three-year-olds can fix some foods.)

• He can wait until the next meal and experience the natural consequence of hunger.

• If the child fusses about being hungry, the parent can politely point out the child's choice not to eat the food he/she requested. "Since you asked for the eggs today, you'll need to eat them. I only cook breakfast once. Tomorrow you can have cereal." Or "After you eat the eggs you asked for, you can fix yourself cereal."

Instead of trying each idea once, try one idea that seems to most closely fit your situation and style and use it consistently for several weeks. Each is an example of a mutually respectful discipline technique. After all, you don’t want to set yourself up as a villain who is starving children — nor do you want to be a short-order cook who caters to children's whims!

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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