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Build Teamwork With Parent-Teacher Conferences

 Dear TIPS:

My son, who’s in kindergarten, comes home from school crying almost every day. He loses his recess and is told to stay on "the wall" because he doesn't finish his work. I asked him why. He said he didn’t know how to do all the work and is afraid to ask his teacher (although he is usually a very outgoing child).

I help him at home, but it takes him time to finish his work, because he goes slow, trying to be neater and do his best. Then he gets in trouble for not finishing his work. Plus,  the teacher writes negative comments on almost every paper every day.

The first days of school he was excited about school. He asked to have his work put on the fridge. But his papers ALL said stuff like "neater please!!" and "stay in the lines." In one drawing, he colored the little boy purple and the teacher said he did it wrong. This was not an assignment with instructions and I don't see why he can't make purple people if his imagination tells him to. Now, he is sad a lot and cries about going to school.

Yesterday, I wrote the teacher a note yesterday saying I knew he was losing his recess and he was coming home crying because he isn’t sure why. I asked her to let me know what he is doing to lose his recess so I can help him. She didn’t respond and he lost his recess again. I know its not behavior related because I would have gotten some kind of note if it was.

I am really worried about my son. I am afraid this is going to affect his attitude about school in the future. Please tell me what to do about this.

Stephanie K., via the Internet

Dear Stephanie:

First, let me say how important it is that you are so involved with your son’s education.

I can see why you are so concerned. You did the right thing by sending a note to the teacher. I would call the school and schedule a parent-teacher conference. Even if there is a regular parent-teacher conference time, those quick fifteen-minute meetings are NOT the time to raise such in-depth issues as this. If you ask for a conference and the teacher is unresponsive, contact the principal.

At the conference, be careful to not accuse the teacher or assume anything. Simply describe what you’ve observed and why this concerns you. Then LISTEN to what the teacher says. Avoid defending your son. You can simply say, “it appears that” or “it’s possible that.” Your goal is to work WITH the teacher to find a solution that works for all three of you. It’s possible the teacher doesn’t realize the effect her comments and actions are having on your child. Reassure her that you know she is trying to help, but that your son may not be interpreting what she’s doing as helpful. As she brings up issues, be sure to tell her what you are doing at home to support her and your son’s education.

Overall, you want the teacher to know (a) you support her (b) you want to find a solution that works for everyone (c) you are willing to work with your son at home. If your attitude is one of teamwork, the teacher will probably respond more positively than if she thinks you are complaining, criticizing her or making excuses for your child.

If you do all this and the teacher is unresponsive or unhelpful, ask to have a conference with the principal and share your concerns. I don’t recommend asking your son be moved to a different class. He needs to learn how to deal with situations like this. Instead, keep sending the message “my son is having problems and I am willing to help him, but I need the teacher’s help, too.”

I hope you can work this out. You, your son and the teacher will all be better because of what you learn through the process of resolving this problem.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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