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Effective Parenting Takes Teamwork

Many of us have a variety of parenting partners: spouses, ex-spouses, teachers, day care workers, relatives, friends and neighbors. Each partner can have a parenting style that differs from ours.

When styles clash, parents may overreact, interfere or try to change the partner. Parents may also try to compensate for the imbalances of the other by being more extreme. This damages parenting partnerships, confuses children and teaches them how to manipulate better.

Here are five general parenting "styles," the long-term outcomes of each and suggestions for reaching a healthier balance.

Power Patrols want obedient children, so the parent maintains a position of power and control. The long-term effect is either blindly compliant children who are fearful of making mistakes and incapable of solving problems — or rebellious children who resist any type of control or rules. To balance this style, teach children self-control by setting bottom-line limits and allowing choices within them. Watch your tone of voice and body language. Be firm, not intimidating, so children behave out of respect, not fear.

Perfectionistic Supervisors often micro-manage their children’s lives and think their child’s behavior is a reflection of their parenting. The long-term consequences of this style are children with poor self-esteem who are afraid to make mistakes and feel that nothing they do is good enough. To balance this style, allow children to make decisions and find their own style of follow through. Avoid guilt trips and lectures. Encourage children to learn from their mistakes, instead of expecting perfection. This firsthand experience will help them develop the life skills they need to succeed in life.

Over-Indulgers want happy children, so they give too much and rescue children from conflict and disappointment. These good intentions rob children of opportunities to experience real life. They also result in children who are spoiled and expect to have life handed to them on a silver platter. To balance this style, keep the warmth, but set more limits. Teach children healthy coping skills and be supportive and loving, but don’t take over or bail them out. Children will actually be happier if they do not "have it all" and learn to earn their accomplishments.

Avoiders want parenting to be easy and conflict-free, so they withdraw or rescue the child to keep the peace. They often deny or avoid problems and seek the easiest solution — even if it’s not the most effective solution. These short-term short-cuts cause huge long-term problems. Children think their parents don’t care, think they can get away with anything or deny responsibility for their actions. To balance this style, invest your time, energy and skills early, by teaching children to be independent and responsible. In the long-run, parenting will be much easier!

Balanced Parents want to raise self-sufficient, self-disciplined adults, so they teach children values and skills. Seek win/win solutions by listening to children and involving them in problem solving. The long-term consequence is children who have the confidence and life skills to get along with others and succeed as adults. To become more balanced, become the kind of person you want your children to become.

• Agree on a plan for preventing and responding to problems. Decide what each of you wants to accomplish and find a way to meet both partners’ concerns and needs.

Talk often and encourage your partner. Notice positive behavior and results, rather than pointing out mistakes. If you do discuss mistakes, focus on what you can each learn and brainstorm ideas for more effective responses, in case the situation arises again.

Action Tip: What is your parenting style? Take the quiz at http://www.ParentsToolshop.com/HTML/quiz.htm to find out.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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