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No Meat Eater:
or How to Use the Problem-Solving Process

Q: Got any TIPS for getting my 4-year-old granddaughter to eat meat? Her pediatrician said she's low on some growth hormone. Her parents have tried bribery, timeouts and no TV. She just says "no, I don't want a sticker" (or chocolate, or toy or whatever) and won’t eat it. Any ideas? Cathy N., Lebanon.

A: Last month, I outlined a "problem-solving process" parents can use to reach win/win agreements with children. This answer illustrates how to use this process. Just replace the child/parent issues and use it for almost any problem!

Eating meat has turned into a power struggle because the parents must be firm about health issues and your granddaughter feels controlled. She resists being forced, tricked or manipulated. This family needs a solution that gives your granddaughter some control (her issue) over her nutritional needs (the parents’ issue). To reach a win/win solution, use problem-solving. If children are verbal enough to argue, they do problem-solving.

1) First, parents explain in simple terms the value/need for meat and graphically describe the problems the doctor said would happen if she doesn’t. Be brief; no lectures!

2) Then the child lists her reasons for not wanting to eat meat. LISTEN. Don’t debate or argue. Acknowledge her feelings and perspective.

3) Summarize the problem. Emphasize her need to eat meat for nutrition, not because the adults want her to eat it. Say, "My job is to teach you to take care of your body. If you don’t, then I have to do it for you. Your body needs (whatever it is the meat gives her body)."

4) Have the child brainstorm possible solutions. Ask, "How can you get the nutrition meat gives you in a way you’d like?" If meat is the best way to get this, list meat alternatives and give her a choice between meat and the alternatives. If meat is the only way to get "it," have the child brainstorm types of meat she likes best or how she likes them fixed. Only offer suggestions after the child has offered her ideas. Keep asking, "What else?"

5) Get her agreement to use a plan that gives her the nutrients she needs (the adults’ issue) and addresses her objections (her issues). Be creative! Involve her in menu planning, picking recipes, helping to cook or helping to research meat alternatives.

6) Decide what happens if the agreement is broken. For example, she needs to eat a specified amount of meat before the foods she likes. If she refuses to eat meat that she has helped choose and cook, she can go hungry or take a supplement (if the doctor says this is an option).

7) Put your plan into action. The next time she refuses to eat, remind her of your agreement. If she still refuses, say "When you’ve eaten your meat, then you can eat (the food she wants)." If she still refuses, follow through with the agreement. Don’t get hooked into a power struggle. Say in a firm but caring voice, "I see you’ve decided not to take care of your body . . ." or "I see you’ve decided to break our agreement . . ." Then follow through, ". . . That tells me you’ve decided to (whatever your plan is)." For example, ". . . not eat the foods you like." Or ". . . go hungry until you are ready to eat what your body needs."

If she fusses, acknowledge her feelings and say, "It’s your decision whether you go hungry or not." Do not force her to eat. This can creates lifetime food aversions and/or future eating disorders. It also shifts responsibility for body-care to the parents and makes them "the bad guys," whom she can blame for the power struggle — and she still isn’t eating meat!

8) Follow through consistently and firmly, with a respectful attitude and tone of voice. The parents’ goal is not to make the child eat meat; it’s to teach her how to take care of her body in ways that satisfy some of her preferences.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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