Santa Lies

I’m probably one of the few people in the world who believed in Santa until I was almost an adult --- and still proudly claims to be a Believer. My parents didn’t have to lie to me, because I had lots of hard evidence that Santa existed.

In addition to the evidence all children see, like the empty glass of milk and cookie crumbs, my friends and I became staunch Santa believers the night of my eighth birthday party. It wasn’t Santa’s arrival or sitting on his lap that convinced us he was real, it was his departure. He said his sleigh was parked on my roof. When he left through the front door, we saw there were no cars on the street --- proof he didn’t drive. We all ran to the back sliding glass door, just in time to see his sleigh fly over our roof and out of sight, with Rudolph’s red nose blinking. There were no footprints or tire tracks in the snow and no plane engine sound, so we were Believers for a little while longer.

For years, I defended the existence of Santa with my factual eye-witness evidence that no one could dispute. Eventually, I asked my parents what really happened that night and learned that a silent plane, on an unusual flight path, happened to fly over our house at the exact moment we all looked up to the sky to see Santa take off. It was simply a bizarre coincidence.

On one hand, I was bummed, disappointed, and forced to become a Non-Believer. On the other hand, I thought it was so cool that I had such a unique synchronistic experience. As an adult, I celebrated the true meaning of Christmas, but missed the fun Santa traditions, so I became Santa’s Helper, giving surprise gifts to others less fortunate than I.

Most parents are concerned about encouraging their children to believe in Santa because:

· They don’t want their children to be materialistic or manipulated by commercialism.

· They want to teach their children not to lie. To do that they know they need to be a good role model and telling children Santa is a real person is a lie. Plus, they risk falling into the lying trap they warn their child about: In order to answer their child’s questions about how or why Santa does something, they have to tell more and bigger lies to keep the first lie alive.

As a parent, I felt capable of handling the first two concerns, but as a research-based, best-practices parent educator, the last point bothered me the most. So I consulted the best research on lying before making my decision. In the book, Why Kids Lie (Paul Ekman, Ph.D., New York: Scribner. 1992), parents list two lies they consider “okay” lies: lying about a surprise (like a party) and lying to spare someone hurt feelings or to show good manners (like an ugly gift). Santa stories are in the first category, so many parents consider them harmless or acceptable lies.

All you have to do, however, is ask someone how they felt when they learned Santa wasn’t real to know Santa lies aren’t harmless. One of the 937-513moms says, “My parents did the Santa thing and I remember feeling a great sense of loss when I found out there was no Santa. It was like a part of my childhood died. But as of now we are doing the Santa thing.”

While it may seem contradictory or hypocritical, it’s common for parents who were once happy Believers, who became sad, distrustful Non-Believers to continue the Santa tradition. Why? They have happy Santa memories and want their children to have some, too.

Parents not only need to consider if they are going to do Santa, but if they do, how they will do it. Here are the three main choices:

1. Do Santa and lie about it as good and as long as you can. The goal: To have fun with the fantasy and downplay any possible negative consequences. This option carries the highest risk for devastating the child when he/she finds out the truth and destroying the child’s trust in the parent, who has been lying to them and laughing at their gullibility. It is clearly the most humiliating, unethical and risky option.

2. Not do Santa at all. The goal: To be as honest, factual and value-based as possible. This option is the most respectable and ethical. It’s also the easiest, with no lies to tell or uphold.

These parents need to be aware that their children might feel left out or resentful that they were deprived of a fun tradition widely practiced by their peers. To avoid being a Scrooge or Party-Pooper Parent like the mom on “Miracle on 34^th Street,” parents want to make an extra effort to have fun traditions. For example, if a family doesn’t recognize Santa for religious reasons, they can celebrate Christ’s birth with Advent calendars or throw a Baby Jesus Birthday Party with gifts.

3. Talk about Santa as honestly as possible and let children decide what to believe. The goal: To have fun with the fantasy and still be honest. Here are some tips:

· Tell children the stories about the original meaning of Christmas, the history of the real St. Nicholas and North Pole Santa, and learn how people around the world, from all cultures, practice various Santa traditions.

· Approach Santa as a fun fantasy that you play along with, by setting out cookies and milk, gifts from Santa, etc.

· Never force the issue. If they express doubts, don’t tell blatant lies to convince them otherwise. If children don’t want to sit on Santa’s lap, don’t force them.

a. To logical questions, ask them “What do you think?” Or say, “No one knows for sure, but it could be...” You can weave in value messages with your answer. For example, if a child asks, “Why can't Santa give us the pricey stuff, so you guys won't have to spend your money?” you can say, “It used to be that the elves made all the gifts, but today, with TVs and video games, kids are asking for expensive things that can only be bought at stores. So Santa has to charge parents for any gifts the elves can't make themselves.”

a. To questions that point-blank ask parents for the truth, like “Is Santa real?” you can be totally honest and say “no” or can gradually ease away from the fantasy, saying “Some people believe…” or retell the story of St. Nicholas or give a “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus” kind of answer.

One 937-513mom sums it up well saying, “I have taught my kids to be truthful and that lies only get you into trouble. I don’t see Santa as being a lie but a make believe person. It brings out the creative side of my kids as they try to come up with where Santa would live, what he does during the day, and what he does in the other seasons. Santa is just a fun addition to Christmas. My kids were not brought up thinking that Christmas is all about Santa and getting gifts but are taught the true meaning of Christmas. If they choose to believe in Santa, that's fine but it's not something we push our kids into doing.”

Generally, this last option usually results in positive memories of Christmas and Santa, minimal or no distrust about being lied to, and likely no devastation from gradually figuring out the truth for themselves.

Ultimately, the Santa issue is up to you to decide and carry out however you deem best. As long as you avoid the extremes and pay close attention to the unspoken messages you are sending, you can use Santa to have fun while teaching positive family values.

Some day, when children stop believing, they become a Santa’s helper. Now they become more involved in the gift selection, buying, wrapping and giving. They are ready to replace the fun of receiving with the deep satisfaction and Joy of Giving.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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