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Here's Help with the Toughest 'Job' of All -- Parenting

Welcome to the first T.I.P.S. advice column. I’m looking to this opportunity to hear from you and to share practical suggestions with you.

You have gotten to know me from the introductory articles the Star Press has written, but I want to give you a few insights as to how I devise my answers and offer a few suggestions for getting the most from our exchanges.

First, I’m going to reveal the "secret formula" I use to answer every question I get. There are up to three questions to ask to figure out what is going on and up to five steps to take to resolve the problem. Try using this "PASRR" formula (the first letter of each step) and see your relationships improve.

Step 1. Prevent the problem from starting or worsening. Use a balanced approach, tell children what they can do and notice when they do it. Offer children choices in limits and teach children the skills they need to be responsible and independent.

Question 1. When problems arise, break them down. For each part, ask "Is this a Child problem or a Parent problem?" "Parent" problems involve issues like safety, health, inappropriate behavior, rules, property, rights or values. If a problem doesn’t involve any of these, it is a "Child" problem. Some examples are school, siblings and peers.

Step 2. Acknowledge the child’s feelings or perspective about the problem – before you say anything about yours. Really listen to children and ask questions that help them figure out – on their own – a solution they can try. With "Child" problems, just take these first two steps.

Step 3. Set limits or express concerns. If this is a "Parent" problem, calmly and respectfully describe what you see, feel or the possible negative outcome of the behavior.

Question 2. If there is misbehavior, ask "Is it Unintentional or On purpose?" "Unintentional" misbehavior results from a lack of skills. The children don’t master skills due to their age, developmental stage, personality, medical or psychological disorders – or they have not been taught the skill or had enough practice that it is a habit. If children’s behavior is not a result of any of these factors, it is "On purpose." They have consistently shown mastery of appropriate behavior, but deliberately misbehave.

Step 4. Redirect misbehavior. For Unintentional misbehavior, have realistic expectations and understand it may take time for the behavior to improve. Don’t excuse this misbehavior, just understand it is unintentional and be sure your response teaches skills.

Question 3. If the misbehavior is "On purpose," ask "what is the purpose?" This is a multiple-choice question with four possible answers: children want Attention, Power, Revenge, or they are Giving up. Figure out what the child gets from the behavior, then show them how to get that through appropriate behavior. If you react and give the misbehavior a payoff or escalate things, you’ll have a hard time undoing it later.

Step 5. Reveal discipline. Regardless of the "type" of misbehavior, you may need to set limits while children learn to behave. Do this in a way that teaches children the value of positive behavior and self-discipline. I can only crack open this can of worms for now: Use discipline to teach and have it meet the "Four R’s": it is logically Related to the misbehavior, it is presented Respectfully, and is Reasonable in time (start small) or extent (they only rewash the dirty dish, not all of them). Whenever possible, you also want to Reveal the discipline in advance, so children know their options and the outcomes of each. This keeps you out of the bad-guy role and holds children responsible for their own behavior choices.

Understand, this is the skinny version of the problem-solving formula taught in "Universal Blueprint^TM" books and training programs. I’m sure the skeptics are thinking of all kinds of exceptions. I’ve got all of them covered in detail in The Parent’s Toolshop, including "combination problems" and complicated issues. As I answer questions about real-life challenges, you’ll see how this universal formula can help any parent arrive at individualized solutions.

Next, I’d like to offer a few suggestions for submitting interesting useful questions:

I write this article to help families improve their relationships, not for fame and fortune. I only ask a few things in return:

• If you want personalized advice, please schedule an appointment for a consultation, instead of unexpectedly calling or asking advice at the neighborhood block party. I can help you come up with a plan, but don’t do long-term therapy.
• Respect my family’s privacy. While I have great kids, don’t expect them to be perfect or judge me if they are not. I share stories about them in my book, The Parent’s Toolshop, but try to protect their privacy by not airing their dirty laundry in public.
• I know some of you already, but after this article runs a few times, you’ll all know me. Say "Hi" if you see me around town and tell me what you think of the article – unless I’m not wearing any makeup or picking my nose, in which case just act like you didn’t see me.

I’m looking forward to hearing your questions and feedback about this column.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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