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Clean up Your Act to Get Children to Clean

Messy rooms. Almost every parent can relate to this problem. In their fun and glee, children scatter toys throughout the room — or house! They play with the toys they are supposed to be putting away. It seems to take hours for children to pick up, when it could take parents a few minutes. Why do most children seem to be born slobs? When will they want to clean and do it well and quick, so parents don’t have to nag, complain and hover?

You may not ever have children who want to clean, but you can have children who cooperate anyway. The first step is to avoid quick fixes, since many backfire or have negative long-term outcomes. For example, if parents "let it slide" until they can’t stand the mess, children feel overwhelmed. If parents nag, they get into power struggles. If parents insist on perfection or having it done "their way," they have power struggles and discouraged children. If parents clean, children get a maid/butler and never learn to clean by/for themselves. If parents restrict children until they finish, children are resentful and may refuse to clean to rebel or for revenge. If parents throw away toys, children learn it’s okay to disrespect and destroy property because it’s disposable — and may get revenge later.

In general, most young children have not mastered the skill of cleaning. Older children usually know how to clean but don’t, for one of the reasons above. Teens may see their bedrooms as extensions of their identity and one area of their life they can control. Parents of teens need to focus on bottom-line limits, like having a room that is safe to walk in and doesn’t have food trash that poses health risks. Teens can pick up before friends and family visit or every one to two weeks, and sweep/dust monthly.

To prevent problems and develop children’s cleaning habits, try the following plan.

First, take time to de-clutter and make space for organizing. (Read the internet archive of last month’s column for more suggestions. )

Then, discuss the value of organization and cleanliness. Don’t lecture. Ask, "How is it helpful to have a clean room?" Let them answer: they find things quicker, the floor is safe to walk on, toys don’t get broken and it doesn’t take as much time to clean.

If children haven’t mastered cleaning, take time to teach skills. Work together, gradually doing less each time. Let children clean their way, as long as it is safe, fairly quick and effective.

When children are overwhelmed, break down tasks and focus on one area at a time. Define levels of cleaning, like "just pick up" so the floor is clear, "organize" so things are in their proper place and "clean," which includes vacuuming and dusting.

If children don’t know where to start, offer choices. "You can pick up the toys or dirty clothes first. You decide." Or "Do you want to put away each thing you find or make piles as you go?"

Establish routines, such as putting away toys before starting a new activity or picking up at the end of the day, then cleaning once a week.

When children are cleaning, avoid nagging, complaining or focusing only on what’s not done. Describe any effort, progress or improvement — even if they are slow or ineffective. Ask them to show you what they’ve cleaned or what they see that’s left to do.

If you do all this consistently for several weeks and there’s no progress, it’s time to do problem solving:

Do not dock children’s allowance. Cleaning one’s room is a responsibility each family member has, simply to contribute as part of the family "team." (That includes you — as a role model!) When parents pay children to clean, they may refuse to clean if they aren’t paid, don’t care about money or feel manipulated. Then the room is still a mess! (Next month, I’ll share an effective three-part allowance plan.)

This plan requires parents to teach skills and follow through consistently in the short-run, but the benefits are long-term. Within months (or years with young children), parents can say "clean your room" and children will cooperate and do a good job.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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