Avoid the Fairness Trap

Trying to always be fair or give equally is an easy trap to fall into. Many parents do this when purchasing items, serving food, or giving time. Being fair or equal develops a score-keeping attitude. Children learn to measure their worth by comparing their treatment to that of others. Children really appreciate our recognizing and meeting their special needs, even if we occasionally treat them unequally.

For example, if your son needs a jacket and his sister complains, don’t feel you have to buy her a jacket or spend the same amount of money on her. Let her know that her brother needs a jacket today and when she needs something, you will provide for her, too. Don’t worry about spending the same exact amount of money on gifts or adding junk to one child’s loot just to even the score. Base gifts on the child’s individual needs or interests and stay within a general budget.

Instead of measuring amounts of food, give children as much as they are hungry for. Reassure them that if they want more, they can have more. There are two other options: Let children serve themselves, understanding that they must eat what they take. Or have one child serve, such as cutting pieces of cake, and let the other child pick first. The cutter will be sure to make the pieces equal, since the chooser is sure to pick the larger piece!

Instead of interrupting time with one child just because we haven’t spent an equal amount of time with other children, remind them that we will spend time with them, too. Base the amount of time on individual needs that might be quite different, but equally important. For example, it might require more time to review spelling words with one child than to play a game or read a book. Avoid giving time and attention to children only when they ask for it, either verbally or through their actions. If there is one high-need child, be careful to also spend time with the low-need child. Our efforts can go a long way in preventing low-need children from believing they have to be sick or misbehaving to get our attention.

It can be difficult, for both parents and children, to change beliefs about fairness and equality. If children are conditioned to keep score, they may question a parent’s new approach—for a while. Stick with it and help each child feel special and important.

A Personal Story. When I was growing up, we had two rocking chairs in a little nook of our dining room. When two people wanted to talk about a problem or share the events of the day, they’d sit in this conversation area with a cup of anything and relax. I viewed this area as the heart-to-heart corner, and each chair was half a heart. When we sat in those chairs together, they formed one heart and left us with a warm, glowing feeling. Many times, I said, "Mom, if you ever get tired of these chairs and I have my own place to live, let me buy them from you."

When she was preparing to move to a new home, she said she had decided to give my brother and me one rocker each. To my mom, the chairs were just pieces of furniture and she wanted to treat us equally. I was heartbroken—not because I wasn’t going to get the set, but because the set, the heart, might be split.

I told her that as much as I loved and wanted those chairs, I’d prefer she give my brother both of them than split them for the sake of fairness. We talked about the hurt feelings that can result from treatment that is "equal, but less." She said that when we were young, parents were told to make every effort to be equal and fair. I dropped the issue and told her I’d respect whatever decision she made. She chose to give me the chairs and we now have a heart-to-heart nook in front of our fireplace.

Excerpt from Chapter 4, The Self-Esteem Toolset, in The Parents Toolshop: The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family.