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If you like this article, check out the related resources listed below.

Responding to Children's Negative Emotions

When you have a problem, what do you want? Do you want a quick solution? Do you like to be left alone to figure it out for yourself? Do you like to talk it over with someone? If you do talk about it, do you want advice? lectures? analyzing? probing questions? to be told you shouldn't feel or do something?

When children have negative feelings they are, in nearly every way, just like adults in terms of what they want and need. They just have less experience at putting their feelings into perspective and expressing them appropriately. Here are some suggestions for helping children learn to process negative feelings in a way that the children will learn how to resolve these feelings for themselves in the future:


ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

Try to keep two things in mind:

  • Accepting and understanding feelings is different than agreeing with them. Children and adults alike have irrational thoughts and feelings. It's never helpful to simply tell people they should feel or think differently. People can't jump from point A to point C! We can, however, help them move through point A to point B so they can see point C is the next step they want to take.
  • Feelings just are. They are not right or wrong. It is important for children to learn how to handle negative feelings because they are inevitable.

TOOLS TO USE with children (or adults!)

If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips for developing a close relationship with your child, with open two-way communication, then listen to a one-hour recording of a live workshop called, “Children’s Menu: How to Really Listen to Your Child.” Click here for a description or to order.
  • Give full attention with direct eye contact and a smile or nod. No one likes someone to listen to them halfway.
  • Acknowledge what you hear with "Um-hmm?, Oh!" When people don't want to talk, just simply let them know that you care and if they change their mind, you are there for them. Never push!
  • Give wishes in fantasy, such as "I bet you wish we could stay here all day!" Most of the time, children just want to know that you understand how they feel. This helps them accept unpleasant limits. Children understand the difference between reality and fantasy better than we often think they will. (This is a four-star tool! Add humor and have fun with it!)
  • Name the feeling and then put that feeling word in a sentence that connects with what happened. "It's annoying when Johnny bothers you while you do your puzzle." Children need to learn feelings words the as much as they need to learn any other kind of word. To a child, if a feeling has a name it must mean it's must okay to feel it. This is reassuring, because negative emotions can be scary!
  • Avoid journalistic questions like "Who?" "Where?" "When?" and especially "Why?" These tend to put people on the defensive. Instead ask questions that focus on feelings rather than events.

It is not the parent's job figure the problem out and solve it for children. A parent's job is to help children sort through their feelings so they can figure out a solution to their own problem!

Finally, remember that accepting feelings is different from allowing hurtful behavior or acting out those emotions. Tell children "It is okay to feel (feeling name), but it is not okay to (unacceptable behavior). Then brainstorm options for what the child can do if the situation happens again.

When children feel better, they act better. And when we accept our children's feelings, they will feel more accepting of our limits, their own feelings, and will learn how to respect and listen to others.

Many times, these tools are all that is needed to help a child move on beyond negative feelings. Other times, an actual solution is needed. Next month I'll explain a four-star problem-solving tool that you can use in a variety of ways.

If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips for developing a close relationship with your child, with open two-way communication, then listen to a one-hour recording of a live workshop called, “Children’s Menu: How to Really Listen to Your Child.” Click here for a description or to order.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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