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WORD "NO'S" IN THE POSITIVE

Most parents have heard somewhere that all children will go though a "no" stage and it is inevitable.

During the past twenty years, I've researched and taught effective parenting skills, learned from my own two children, and have heard testimonials from hundreds of parents. Based on all this, I can tell you absolutely that children do not have to go though a "no" stage. I can also assure you that avoiding the "negative no's" has nothing to do with having compliant children. It has to do with how parents handle their power and communicate their limits.

Toddlers and preschoolers are learning how to develop self control and how to influence the world around them. A child this age practices getting power in the ways that are modeled to them and can become very impressed with the power behind the word "no".

A four-star skill that has spared hundreds of parents and children (even strong-willed ones) is to word "no's" in a positive way. There are several ways to do this:

USE THE WORD "YES" TO SAY "NO" - This has nothing to do with permitting something you don't want or "tricking" the child. It simply tells the child under what circumstances it can be a "yes". For example, instead of, "No, you can't have candy now." say, "Yes, you can have candy, after you eat your dinner."

ACKNOWLEDGE FEELINGS BEFORE SETTING THE LIMIT - As soon as you say "no" or deny a request, children stop listening to your reasons and start defending themselves and convincing you how much they want something. When you acknowledge feelings first, children know you understand how they feel and are still listening when you deny the request. For example, instead of, "No, we can't stay at the playground. We need to go home now" say, "It's hard to leave someplace when you are having so much fun isn't it," as you proceed to leave.
USE WISHES AND FANTASY - Say "I bet you wish you could stay at the playground forever! Wouldn't it be fun! Tell me what you will do the next time you come here." Instead of "No, you can't have that toy/candy" say, "What would you do with that toy? How would you play with it?" You will be surprised at your child's ability to separate fantasy from reality.

Wording limits in the positive meets many goals of parenting: it increases the child's self-esteem, increases the parent's confidence, decreases the need for discipline or punishment, improves communication skills, increases cooperation, and teaches children self-control and how to practice power in positive ways.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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