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BEDTIME IS A NIGHTMARE . . . HELP!
My three-year-old son is very active and gets more so around bedtime. We have
a routine that begins at 8:30 p.m.
and includes a bath, healthy snack, storytelling, teeth-brushing and three
books. After I turn out the lights, I sit by the bed until he falls asleep.
Otherwise he will jump up and follow me, making a game out of us chasing him.
When he does, I bring him back to bed, tell him he doesn't have to go to
sleep but he must stay in his room. Most nights I lie next to him and hold
him so he can't get up. He cries in protest and eventually falls asleep from
the exhaustion. By then, I've fallen asleep too.My husband and I have tried turning out all of the house lights, pretend to
go to bed and get up after he was asleep. This sort of worked, but sometimes
he fell asleep as late as midnight
and we were exhausted. Now I'm toying with the idea of putting an outside
lock on his door. This approach seems barbaric, but if we don't get some
sleep soon we're going to fall apart. Please advise!!! ---
Lara from Alameda, CA
We have had 6 years of opposition to
going to bed with every excuse known to man and usually some sort of
angry outburst/misbehavior. So after class this week, I read
word-for-word your bedtime advice article {this
article} and teleseminar
package. The next night was completely different. I did what you
said and he looked at me and said, "OK". Then he walked himself to bed
quietly as if he had been waiting his whole life for me to say those
words. He did not come out of his room and was asleep within 5 minutes!
I am still a little freaked out about it, but it has been working and we
are so relieved! I wish I could say we are ecstatic too, but we are too
tired from six years of bedtime struggles:-) — Mary Mancuso, OH
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Group Facilitators Answer:
Dear Lara,
Many parents can relate to the stress of this nighttime
"game" and how easy it is to get caught up in it. Your son sounds
like an energetic night owl who takes a long time to unwind. His temperament,
a high energy level with little need for sleep, is what The Parent's
Toolshop calls PU behavior. It's a "Parent problem" (because it
involves health issues and broken rules) that involves "Unintentional
misbehavior" (resulting from the child's temperament*). Unfortunately, PU
behavior can "mutate" into PO behavior
("Parent problems" that involve "On purpose" misbehavior)
if the child gets payoffs for misbehaving. While your intentions are good,
your son is getting payoffs when others react to his behavior by chasing him,
holding him, laying with him, or stopping what they are doing. As long as
he's getting attention for not going to bed, he's sure to continue resisting
bedtime. It's also turning into a power struggle, which will only intensify
if you use desperate measures like restraining him or locking him in his
room.
We have a few suggestions for you, by following the PASRR formula in The
Parent's Toolshop. (If
children are not sleeping due to insecurity or lack of self-comforting
skills, another plan is better to use. Read the article at http://www.parentstoolshop.com/HTML/tips21.htm.)
P-revent the problem from starting or
worsening
You have established a good bedtime routine and follow it consistently, but
there is so much activity leading up to bedtime it may be over-stimulating for
him. Several of us recommend starting the routine earlier and having the more
quiet activities near the end of the routine. Make sure bedtime isn't the
only time he's getting "quality time." Also, maintain a consistent
early wake-up time and if he takes a nap, shorten it, make it earlier or
eliminate it so he is more tired at night.
Then you need to explain to your son how body energy works. Use the
comparison of a car, which needs gasoline to have energy to run. Tell your
son that sleep is so important because his body grows while it's sleeping.
The body also uses food and sleep to make energy. Ask what he thinks would
happen if someone drove a car really fast for a long time and never stopped
to give it more gasoline. Then make the comparison that his body needs to
take rests too, to let his body fill up energy for the next day.
A-cknowledge the other person's feelings
You can point out that his body may need less sleep than others, but it still
needs sleep- even if he doesn't feel tired. Tell him he needs to respect his
body, learn how to listen to it and give it what it needs. If you think he
gets up because he's afraid he'll miss something, reassure him that when he
goes to bed Mommy and Daddy have their quiet time-which your bodies
need-and you mostly do boring stuff.
S-et limits and express concerns
Now you need to be clear and firm. Bedtime is quiet time. He doesn't have to
sleep but he must stay in his bed (or room) and remain quiet. When he goes to
bed, you are done playing and talking.
R-edirect misbehavior
Brainstorm ideas of quiet activities he can do in bed: listening to tapes,
talking or singing to himself and looking at books are just a few ideas.
Then, give him three objects, like three hoops or strings to hang on his door
or three balls in a bowl. He can come out of his room or call you to his room
(the latter is our preference) up to three times. Each time you have an
interaction after bedtime, he must give you one of the objects.
This next idea is optional, but is often helpful. Tell him you will come to
check on him every fifteen minutes as long as he has at least one object
left. If he knows you will check on him, he may be less likely to check on
you. Give him a tangible way to track the time, but not a timer that could
startle or wake him. Increase the time each week as his behavior improves and
he's falling asleep earlier.
If he uses the first object, respond to his request, take the object and say
nothing more. If/when he gives you the second object, remind him that he only
has one more object and might want to save it in case something really
important comes up.
R-eveal discipline
After he gives you the third object, confirm that you will no longer come to
his room (even if you've been checking on him) and/or he cannot come out of
his room. Be clear that if he does you will not give him any
attention.
Now comes the really hard part-follow through. We guarantee
he's going to thoroughly and persistently test this new plan for a couple
days to a week. If you've laid the foundation by doing everything listed
above, your consistent follow through is the final key to this plan's
success. Here's how it works:
The fourth time he calls for you to come to his room, say once, "It's quiet time so I am
not talking." Then ignore all further attempts to get you to respond. If
he comes out of his room, act like he's not there. Continue reading or
focusing on whatever you were doing-and make sure you are doing something you
can focus on intensely. Don't look up to acknowledge his presence, don't huff
and puff in frustration or roll your eyes. He's not there. If he gets in your
face or escalates, pretend he's invisible.
When it is time to check on him again, go to his room. He'll probably
follow you if he came out. Remind him that after he's given you all his
objects you'll only come to his room or talk to him at your regular check
times. Empathize that he's disappointed and suggest that he might want to
save one of his objects tomorrow night for emergencies. Reveal that he can
still do quiet activities in his room, but if he leaves his room again, he'll
be giving up those activities, too. Tell him you'll still check on him as
long as he stays in his room and is quiet.
Then leave. Ignore his behavior and follow through on your plan. If he comes
out or calls for you, wait until the next check time and tell him you won't
check any more that night, but tomorrow he can try keeping an object and
having you check on him regularly.
The only exception is if he goes for a desperation move and does something
dangerous. In this case, gently but firmly carry or direct him to his room
while saying "I can't let you hurt yourself or others. I love you and
hope you'll choose to make your bedtime a happy one."
Like we said, we are sure your son will test your commitment to this plan,
but we also know from experience that this plan usually works. Lay the
groundwork, follow the plan step by step and consistently follow through with
love and self-control. It will not be easy, but what you've been doing takes
far more energy and less spine. Many of us have walked in your shoes and are
grateful we were able to successfully break our child's habit of getting out
of bed and our habit of reacting in ways that reinforced the behavior. We
hope you'll give us a progress report in a few weeks and wish you and your
family all the best.
Yours in service to families,
The Parent's Toolshop Group Facilitator Network
P.S. Read other articles by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE on the topic
of bedtime:
Bedtime routines
that prevent hassles and
Bedtime Tantrums
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If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips
about misbehavior:
·
Listen to a one-hour recording of a live teleseminar called, “Why
Kids Misbehave — and What You Can Do to Prevent and Stop it.”
Click here for a description or to order.
·
Listen to a one-hour recording of a live workshop called, “The
Kitchen Stinks! Cut off ‘PU’ Misbehavior Before You Get ‘PO’d.’”
Click here
for a description or to order.
·
For a Fast, Totally Risk-Free Way to Start Learning
The Universal Blueprint® Parenting Success Formula,
sign up for the FREE
7-day Introductory E-course |
Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator,
second-generation parent educator, founder of
The Family Network, and President of
Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent
education resources, including her award-winning book,
The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents
and family professionals through her dynamic
workshops and interviews with the
media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother
magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently
serves as the online parenting expert for
Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on
the Advisory Board of the
National Effective Parenting Initiative.
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