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BEDTIME TANTRUMS

Parents' Question:

Bedtime for my 29-month-old son is HORRIBLE! Routines DON'T help. If I hear the "make sure you have a routine" diatribe again I'll go crazy. We still keep a steady routine of Bath, Brush, Bed and Books but he still throws a fit every night. The worst part is that every night he throws a fit I get frustrated...my wife gets frustrated with me...and we end up mad at each other. HELP! - - Craig & Paula, St. Louis, MO

Certified Parents Toolshop Instructors' Answer:

It sounds like bedtime has turned into a nightmare for all three of you! All parents hope for a smooth bedtime, but the reality is that most parents experience their toughest challenges when they are the most tired and short on patience.

We've all "been there" in some form or another, but bedtime hassles can arise for several different reasons, so there's no one quick and easy answer that will work in all families. That's why The Parent's Toolshop teaches parents how to use the Universal Blueprint® problem-solving system and "PASRR response formula" to figure out what's really going on in their situation and come up with an individualized response. We can't tell exactly what you are doing at each step of your routine or where things seem to get off-track, so we'll try to account for several possibilities. We've pulled together ideas from the ten sections in The Parent's Toolshop that relate to bedtime hassles and tantrums and blended it with our suggestions based on over sixty years of our combined experience as parents and family professionals.
 

"We have had 6 years of opposition to going to bed with every excuse known to man and usually some sort of angry outburst/misbehavior. So after class this week, I read word-for-word your bedtime advice article [this article] and teleseminar package. The next night was completely different. I did what you said and he looked at me and said, ‘OK’. Then he walked himself to bed quietly as if he had been waiting his whole life for me to say those words. He did not come out of his room and was asleep within 5 minutes! I am still a little freaked out about it, but it has been working and we are so relieved! I wish I could say we are ecstatic too, but we are too tired from six years of bedtime struggles :-)" — Mary Mancuso, OH

You already have a plan for a pleasant bedtime routine, which is great. If you keep up the routine it will have many benefits later. What you need now is a plan for handling the bumps that naturally arise in routines and stopping the "fits" that are ending your days in tears.

First, consider how you are handling the "fits." If you two disagree about how to handle the routines and tantrums, you'll be more frustrated and at odds with each other. Your son will pick up on your frustration and will either react to the stress or use it to get what he wants. You two need a plan you can follow consistently. You can take turns following that plan, by rotating nights, but it's better for one parent to follow the routine each night. The transition of trading off in the midst of the routine can increase your son's anxiety, which will escalate the problem.

This is "an onion," as we say in The Parent's Toolshop. That means that the behavior you're seeing is an expression of a deeper issue that might not be related to bedtime at all! The first thing to consider is whether this problem started "all of a sudden" or has gradually escalated. If there has been a major family change like a recent move or death of a pet, help your son find ways to express and work through his feelings of loss and adjustment.

The next clue to look at is why your son is throwing fits. Read the following descriptions of the four types of tantrums. Identify which type your son is experiencing. Then apply the suggestions that follow the "PASRR effective response formula" for that type of tantrum.

Separation Tantrums usually occur with infants and toddlers because they are developing trust and a sense of security. It is still normal for toddlers not to sleep through the night or to need help falling asleep. Separation tantrums seem very genuine. The child acts terrified of being left alone, screams, clings, and grieves when you're gone. Sneaking away is a quick fix that backfires later, because it scares children to realize their parents can just disappear or are willing to leave them--so they become more clingy. When parents handle separation lovingly and helpfully, children work through the separation issues quicker and are more secure in the long-run. If this is the case in your situation, you will usually see the tantrums surface as you are saying your final "goodnight" and attempting to leave or after you've left and your son is by himself. (If that's not the case, read about the next type of tantrum to see if it fits.)

• Prevent the problem: If parents always rush into soothe a child, the child doesn't learn how to soothe himself. Teach your son how to comfort himself. Your goal is not to have your son "fall asleep," but rather to have your son in bed soothing himself, relaxing and eventually falling asleep. Allow him to choose a comfort object, do quiet movements (rocking) or make self-calming sounds (singing) to help himself relax. If "lights off" increases your son's anxiety, use a soothing musical infant light. Use a regular nightlight if sounds keep him awake.
• Acknowledge feelings: Tell your son that you know he likes to be near you and that it's okay if he doesn't fall asleep right away.
• Set limits: Reassure him that he is safe, you are nearby and you will check on him. Say something like, "It is time for you to rest in bed. Mommy and daddy will be resting in their bed soon." No need for a long diatribe or pleading with him to stay in bed, which can turn into a power struggle.
• Redirect behavior: If your son starts to cry after you leave, do not "rescue" him immediately or he'll learn to expect it. Also don't let him "cry it out" indefinitely. Children can get worked up so quickly, it can set you back to square-one. Instead, use the following process.
• Reveal discipline: Wait a short time, like three minutes, then come back to check on him. Soothe him in quiet ways but do not pick him up. Do not increase the time between your checks until he handles three minutes well. Then increase the wait to five minutes. When he handles five minutes, increase to ten, and so on. The next night, try starting at the time limit your son handled the night before. The key to the success of this approach is that children know they can rely on parents coming back and the time limit does not become unreasonable.

Over-Stimulation Tantrums usually occur when young children are hungry, tired, or overwhelmed. They don't know how to handle these physical changes and "fall apart." This could be happening in your case if your son is having such a good time during the bedtime routine activities that he doesn't want the fun to end, but his body just can't handle any more stimulation. If this is the case, your sons behavior will not seem deliberate; it will seem like he's having a meltdown. (If that's not the case, read about the next type of tantrum to see if it fits.)

• Prevent the problem: Start to reduce his activity level about ½ - 1 hour before bedtime. Consider what you include in the bedtime routine and the order in which you do it. Lights, sounds and interaction can either be soothing or stimulating. Notice how your son reacts to these to determine whether to include or exclude them in your routines. Page 132 of The Parent's Toolshop describes several interactive calming "games" you can use at bedtime. Also try altering the order of the routine. For example, baths relax some children so much it should be the last thing they do before hitting the sheets. For other kids, it's so energizing and stimulating they get a "second wind."
  At other times besides bedtime, teach your son how to listen to his body, how to recognize when he's overstimulated and what he can do to recharge. Help him understand what's happening. Explain that "Our bodies are like cars; they need energy to run. Food and sleep give us this energy. Whenever our bodies feel shaky and we start to cry or get cranky, it's our body's way of telling us we need food or sleep. If we listen to our body and give it what it needs, we will be happier and have more energy for fun." Parents need to repeat these lessons and be patient until children mature and master these skills.
• Acknowledge feelings: When your son starts showing signs he's "falling apart," point out that he still wants to have fun, but his body has run out of energy.
• Set limits: Describe the behavior you see and say, "That's how your body tells you it needs some sleep." Don't say, "You're tired" or "You need sleep. It's sure to start a tantrum.
• Redirect behavior: Offer acceptable options that will help your son calm down.
• Reveal discipline: Until his skills improve, remove the source of stimulation, which might be you!
  

Power Tantrums occur when children use resistance to get what they want. At bedtime, children may want to stay up later, read an extra story (or two or three), or try to extend bath time. Even pre-verbal children can use nonverbal cues and behavior to resist parents' efforts. If this is the case, your son's behavior will seem deliberate and you will feel like he is challenging your authority. If you argue or push for control, it will escalate the situation. If you give in to his demands, it will give him a payoff and the drama is sure to occur again, because it worked! (If that's not the case, read about the next type of tantrum to see if it fits.)

• Prevent the problem: Offer choices about what he can have or do, within your "bottom line" limits. These are the absolute boundaries you are unwilling to negotiate. Base limits offer more choices for your son, which will defuse the tantrum quicker.
• Acknowledge feelings: If he still resists, very quickly acknowledge what he wants.
• Set limits: Keep your cool and offer choices within the bottom line limits (one last time),
• Redirect behavior: Say, "I'm not willing to argue about this. You can ____ or ____. Let me know what you decide." Then breathe deep, think about a vacation at the beach or leave the room if you must to keep your cool.
• Reveal discipline: Let your son know that his bedtime experience is up to him--how long it is and how pleasant it is. Let him know that you will follow through on the following: If he delays during one part of the routine, he will be choosing to cut short a later part of the routine like reading books. If he throws a fit or otherwise delays the routine so that bedtime is delayed, he is choosing to start the bedtime routine and end in bed that much earlier the next night. Do not say you will make this happen or the power struggle will escalate.
  

Attention Tantrums usually occur when children use extreme behavior to keep their parents involved. If parents try to stop these tantrums by spending extra time with the child, children get a payoff of extra attention. The next night, they are likely to escalate their behavior until the parent gives in again. If this is the case, your son's behavior will seem deliberate and you will feel like you are trying to do anything to please him and get him to sleep.

• Prevent the problem: Spend regular quality time with your son, besides bedtime, and involve him in activities that help him feel important.
• Acknowledge feelings: Recognize your son's desire to spend time with you.
• Set limits: Plan a reasonable amount of time for the bedtime routine. Be clear with your son about the time limit and give him occasional tangible markers of how much time is left.
• Redirect behavior: Teach your son positive ways to ask for attention, besides tantrums. If these responses don't stop the behavior, any further attention will only reward it. Selectively ignore the negative behavior long enough to make it clear that you do not give attention to tantrums. If necessary, remove yourself until your son has calmed down. To help him do so, describe the behavior you want to see. For example, "When I hear you talking calmly, I'll know you're ready for me to return."
• Reveal discipline: You can use either the time-delayed check-in process described in the separation tantrum section or the discipline process outlined in the power tantrum section. Either will remove you from the situation in a way that prevents you from escalating the tantrum or giving it a payoff. Although your son may try to escalate the situation by himself, it takes two people to keep the cycle going, so it will eventually taper off.

When we (Toolshop Group Facilitators) hear parents say "I've tried everything," we find it usually means the parents tried many things for a short period of time. Anytime you experience the same behavior three or more times, it's time to sit down together and come up with a four-step plan: (1) how you will prevent the problem, (2) what you'll say to the child, (3) what you'll do, and (4) how you will follow through with the plan. Use the "Parent's Decision-Making Worksheet" on page 376 of The Parent's Toolshop to guide you through the process or refer to the last page of the book, where all the key skills are summarized on one quick-reference page.

Once you have a plan, stick with it consistently and look for small signs you are on the right track. If you aren't seeing any progress after a week or two, consider the six reasons effective parenting skills might not work right away and adjust your plan:

1. The parent misidentified the type of problem and therefore chose a less effective tool.
2. The parent didn't use the skills long enough to see results.
3. The parent misused an effective tool in an ineffective way (i.e., using discipline to punish).
4. The parent used effective tools in an order that reduced their effectiveness. (Follow the PASRR steps in order.)
5. The parent's attitude or belief influenced the outcome (i.e., believing the child is being intentionally difficult when the child has a legitimate concern the parent doesn't see).
6. The misbehavior is a symptom of a deeper problem that must be resolved first.

Going to bed peacefully, like any other process in life, can take awhile for children to learn. There are emotional and physical tasks they must master. Our job as parents is to teach children these skills and allow them opportunities to practice them. We must be patient but consistent in maintaining our boundaries. Many parents of older children can look back on the toddler years and bedtime hassles, take a sigh of relief, and say "Yes, this too shall pass." We guarantee, however, it will pass much quicker and smoother with a plan the builds your sons skills.

Please let us know what you decided and how your situation worked out. We hope your bedtime experience will soon transform into a pleasant routine that works like a dream!

Yours in service to families,

The Parent's Toolshop Group Facilitator Network

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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