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Ten Terrific Talking Tools
When
parents have a problem or concern, they need to keep their cool and use
non-blameful ways to communicate their feelings. As soon as parents threaten
or blame, children stop listening and start thinking about how to defend
themselves. If you want others to listen to your feelings or concerns,
try using one of the following techniques:
- Attitude adjustment: For any of the following
tools to work, we must express them in ways that are both kind and firm.
Watch your tone of voice and body language, so you don't accidentally
send hidden messages of criticism and blame. Word statements in positive
terms. Here is an example of two ways to word the same thought:
"You can't (play with your friends) until (you
clean up your room)." This has an unfriendly tone and uses negative
words like "can't" and "don't." Many children would rebel against this
power play or test the parent's challenge. Instead, word the same thought
with positive words such as, "When (your room is clean)
you can (play with your friends)."
- Describe the behavior without blaming or judging.
Avoid the word "you" if at all possible. Instead of saying, "When you
write on the wall . . ." say "When I see writing on the wall . . ."
Speak about your feelings and perceptions instead of labeling
the other person as "bad" or "wrong."
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If you want more practical tools and tips about effective
communication, then listen to a FREE
15-minute segment of a live workshop, complete with a 4-page handout
to reference during and after the workshop.
Click here
to order. |
- Acknowledge the other person's feelings or perspective
first before sharing your feelings, opinions, or concerns. This
opens the door to communication and reduces defensiveness. This acknowledgment
could be the first half of an opening statement. This approach might
stimulate a discussion about the other person's concerns. When we spend
the time to help others resolve their feelings or concerns, their behavior
often changes, which might automatically resolve our concerns
and feelings.
- Own your feelings. Say, "I feel worried
. . ." instead of "You make me worry . . ." Remember, no matter
what another person does, we choose our interpretations and feelings
about the event. Don't give your personal power to others by saying
they can make you feel something. Remember that anger is a secondary
emotion. This means that before you felt angry, you felt something else
that built up to the anger. Get in touch with the primary emotion, such
as frustration, concern, pressured, and use these words to describe
your feelings.
- Avoid guilt trips. Avoid words like "embarrassed"
and "disappointed". Children interpret "You embarrassed me .
. ." as "You are an embarrassment to me . . ." Saying "I'm
disappointed in you . . ." is a guilt trip. If children change their
behavior it is a short-term solution based on guilt, rather than a long-term
change based on the child learning the value of correcting the behavior.
- Use non-verbal codes. This is different than
the evil eye. Children tend to respond well to reading lips and hand
codes if we explain the codes ahead of time. Children are so grateful
when we don't embarrass them in front of others that they often reward
our behavior by cooperating!
- Give information. Give short explanations
to help children figure out how to avoid a problem in the future. For
example, saying "Milk spoils when it is left out" or "Wet
towels grow mold." These are quick, effective ways to teach children
the reasons behind certain requests. Children tend to cooperate with
this more than orders and commands.
- Use one word. When a child repeatedly leaves
the bathroom light on, we can say "Light!" instead of a lengthy
nagging reminder. "Sidewalk" can substitute for "Get out of
the street!." Notice, however, I didn't say, "Street!" We
want to remind children of what to do, instead of what not
to do.
- Flash Code Words. This is a one word reminder
that a parent and child agree on privately before a problem arises.
The word has special meaning to them, but means nothing to others. This
way, we can remind children politely and without embarrassment or nagging.
For example, I used the word, "Flash" to remind my son to get
back on task when cleaning his room. That is where my parenting class
students came up with the name for this skill, "Flash Codes." Again,
children are so grateful they didn't get a lecture, they reinforce our
behavior by cooperating.
- Write a note. When you
are too upset to speak, if you want to add some humor to your statements,
or if you won't be around when your child needs to get a message, write
a note or draw a picture. When my son kept forgetting to feed our pets
before he watched TV in the mornings, I put a sign on our basement door;
it had a picture of the pets and a crossed-out TV with the words "Feed
me before TV!"
A woman listening to some of these suggestions during one
of my presentations leaned over to one of her friends and whispered, "Right.
Like I have time to plan all my words." If you share her sentiments, add
up all the time you spend repeating yourself, yelling, or saying "No" and
"Don't". Also think about the long term messages your present communication
style might be teaching. I admit, new ways of speaking seem awkward and
initially take more time to think of and say. However, in the long run,
children are more cooperative and self-disciplined, instead of relying on
constant reminders. Hundreds of parents who have taken my parenting class
can attest to the effectiveness of these communication skills.
P.S.
Remember to practice these tools when talking to other adults, like your
parenting partner, boss, employees, parents, friends, relatives, etc.
Many couples have said these effective listening and communication skills
saved their marriages.
|
If you want more practical tools and tips about effective
communication, then listen to a FREE
15-minute segment of a live workshop, complete with a 4-page handout
to reference during and after the workshop.
Click here
to order. |
Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator,
second-generation parent educator, founder of
The Family Network, and President of
Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent
education resources, including her award-winning book,
The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents
and family professionals through her dynamic
workshops and interviews with the
media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother
magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently
serves as the online parenting expert for
Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on
the Advisory Board of the
National Effective Parenting Initiative.
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