|
If you like this
article, check out the related resources listed below.
DISCIPLINE
VS. PUNISHMENT
Discipline
is different from punishment because it teaches children to learn from
their mistakes rather than making them suffer for them. In fact, imposing
suffering actually shifts the focus from the lesson that needs to be learned
to who is in control. As a result, punishment focuses on the parent being
responsible for controlling a child's behavior, rather than the child
controlling his/her own behavior, which is the focus of discipline.
In
Positive Discipline, Jane Nelsen offers guidelines for using consequences,
which she calls the Four R's of consequences. These four R's actually
apply to all discipline techniques, not just natural and logical
consequences. Whatever discipline technique you choose, make sure it meets
the following four criteria:
- Whenever possible, REVEAL the consequences
of misbehavior ahead of time so children will know what to expect the
next time they choose to misbehave.
"If you want to ride your bike, you need to stay on the sidewalk
or I'll know you've decided to put it in the garage."
Notice how the responsibility for the behavior and its effect are on
the child rather than the parent. Can you tell how different this sounds
than if the parent said, "Don't go in the street or I'll take your
bike away." First of all, this wording gives the child the idea
to go in the street (See "Don't say Don't!" July 1993 T.I.P.S.) then
challenges the child to test the rule by wording it like a power threat.
- The discipline should be logically RELATED
to the misbehavior. Sending a child to bed or restricting a child from
TV has nothing to do with riding a bike in the street.
|
If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips
about disciplining children:
·
Read the articles, "Child
Abuse or Discipline: What is the Difference?"
and "Using
Time-outs Effectively."
·
Listen to a one-hour recording of a live teleseminar called, “The Controversy About Corporal Punishment: Should It Be
Legally Banned?”
Click here for a description or to order.
·
Listen to a one-hour recording of a live teleseminar called,
“Take the Bite Out of Discipline.”
Click here for a description or to order.
·
Listen to a one-hour recording of a live workshop called, “Take the Bite out of Discipline!”
Click here
for a description or to order. |
- Present your comments in a RESPECTFUL manner
that lets children know they have a choice about how they behave.
"When I see you riding your bike in the street, I know you're not
ready to ride it safely and need to put the bike away."
Notice how different this sounds than, "That's it, get out of the
street! I'm taking your bike away for the rest of the day! You could
get killed out there!" When we speak to children in disrespectful
ways, they respect us less and tend to talk back at us disrespectfully
more often. We earn others' respect by showing respect to them first.
- Provide a REASONABLE solution that will allow children
an opportunity to correct the behavior while the lesson is fresh in
their minds.
"You can try to ride your bike again on the sidewalk after lunch."
Notice that the time limit was a matter of hours, rather
than days. Always make the time limit as minimal as possible, but long
enough to emphasize the lesson. Also, notice that the correct behavior
was presented as a choice. The parent is respectfully revealing the
discipline again before giving the child another chance.
Each time the child violates the rule, increase the time limit gradually.
If you restrict children from a bike for a week the first time, they'll
spend more time dwelling on their resentment than thinking about the
lesson. If they make the same mistake again, they're likely to lose
the bike for a month! Children need practice at being good -- and we
need to be honest with ourselves and decide whether our goal is to teach
positive behavior, to show who is in power, or to get revenge.
If any one of the Four R's is missing from the discipline, it turns
the technique into punishment, which has Four (new) Four R's: Resentment,
Rebellion, Revenge, and Retreat (lying, learning to not get caught,
running away). If your child reacts in any of these ways, review how
you presented your discipline. Chances are, one of the Four R's of Discipline
was missing. But don't worry, children always give us another chance
to learn from our mistakes!
|
If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips
about disciplining children:
·
Listen to a one-hour recording of a live teleseminar called, “The Controversy About Corporal Punishment: Should It Be
Legally Banned?”
Click here for a description or to order.
·
Listen to a one-hour recording of a live teleseminar called,
“Take the Bite Out of Discipline.”
Click here for a description or to order.
·
Listen to a one-hour recording of a live workshop called, “Take the Bite out of Discipline!”
Click here
for a description or to order. |
Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator,
second-generation parent educator, founder of
The Family Network, and President of
Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent
education resources, including her award-winning book,
The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents
and family professionals through her dynamic
workshops and interviews with the
media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother
magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently
serves as the online parenting expert for
Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on
the Advisory Board of the
National Effective Parenting Initiative.
Reprint Guidelines:
You may
publish/reprint any article from our site for non-commercial purposes in
your ezine, website, blog, forum, RSS feed or print publication, as long
as it is the entire un-edited article and title and includes the article’s
source credit, including the author’s bio and active links as they appear
with the article. We also appreciate a quick note/e-mail telling us
where you are reprinting the article. To request
permission from the author to publish this article in print or for
commercial purposes, please complete and send us a
Permission to Reprint Form.
.
|
